We are all ageing, all the time. We all go through it and we watch others go through it.
Namaste here on the floor lest I break something.
Rationally we know what to expect… so why is it a freaking Babadook-level jump scare every time you can’t get off the floor without making a noise? Why do I need to lie down for an hour to get my heart rate back to normal after I discover a new patch of grey hair on my nog? Why are we testing the strength of my bladder control each time I realise ‘oh that’s not dirt, it’s age pigmentation’ on my dumb face?
We see it happen to people we know and love, so why is it such a shock when it happens to us? Because we thought we were going to be the exception.
Despite declaring that ‘I’m not having a birthday this year’ or ‘I’m Benjamin Button-ing it’, the universe does not seem to listen. The universe is a goddamn jerk.
I do not look this happy in my Spanx, I’m too worried I’m going to crack a rib
I don’t know about you – you’re probably not quite as stupid as me – but I’ve sold my soul many times over to questionable Instagram influencers promising me the fountain of youth. I bought ‘insert name of miracle elixir here’ and all I got was this explosive diarrhea/ skin you could fry an egg on it’s so greasy/ underpants that are squeezing my internal organs so hard that I think my small intestine has relocated to my oesophagus.
All I can hope for now is that having chubby cheeks will bode well as gravity not only holds my feet on the surface of the earth, but drags my jowls and bosoms down with them. Gravity, you can join the universe on my jerk list.
What has surprised you most about the ageing process? The fact that still no one will stand up on the bus for you? Or that someone only three years your junior thinks you won’t know their musical references because we’re ‘different generations’. Whatever mate, you’re a dude and going to die first anyway.
Am I saying this just because I’ve got a milestone birthday rapidly approaching? Perhaps. Well, I’m sure you all felt the same way before your 21st.
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It's Claire as mud 
Hilarious but all so true @claire!! Although I keep fighting it, and have found myself buying said elixir many a time… The good thing is as we get older I think we have a better acceptance of ourself and others… yep we’re a little rounder etc but with that acceptance I think comes more freedom to be fun & engaging selves ☺️😘