Happy New Year! It’s only eight days into 2015 and are you as starving, exhausted, sore and underwhelmed as I am? If you’re a believer in New Year’s resolutions you probably are
Please, don’t we all say this every Monday?
2015 has started off as a complete shit sandwich, but not one you can eat, of course, just a metaphorical one. You see, Mr C and I have embarked on ‘Operation Sexy Bitch’. What does that entail, you might ask? Well, it means no fun allowed. Evah. Actually, maybe I should have made my new year’s resolution to stop exaggerating so much, because it’s really not that bad, but I can’t work out if not being allowed to be over dramatic is worse than pretending to enjoy vegetables as a snack. I choose snack veggies.
In one of the universe’s most unfair acts, I can see that Mr C has probably already lost at least three kilos only four days into the Operation, despite still drinking beer and eating a meal with béchamel sauce the other day. Meanwhile, I have lost 900 grams, have done exercise every day, given up drinking for the month and am lugging well-intentioned fruit to work in the hope it will save my workmates from finding me in a diabetic coma, covered in chocolate because the siren song of the fundraising choccy box became more than a mere mortal could resist. The universe is a sexist twat.
I am pleased to see that I’m in excellent company though, with many of my workmates engaging in their own resolutions. One of which includes not allowing people to each lunch with them if they have something unhealthy. I was told I was not allowed to attend with my Diet Coke. It’s diet!! The carcinogens are only going to kill me, not you. This person’s carb-blitzing regime also involves allowing themselves 14 corn chips a day – in addition to other food of a less carby-nature. Luckily this individual is a complete delight and has taken my teasing and questions about the permissible number of crumbled corn chips surprisingly well. But the point is, she doesn’t even need to watch what she eats because she looks like one of those gorgeous Vargas girls, so she’s back on my list. Resolutions make me irrationally hateful because I’m not getting my regular afternoon Freddo Frog.
My workmate’s mantra
I totally understand why people think resolutions are a complete crock of caca, but I quite like the idea of starting anew on 1 January… anything to leave behind the disappointment of another over-rated, over-hyped, stinking hot New Year’s Eve. Ugh, when will they die?!
I’ve had great success with New Year’s resolutions. Oh wait, there goes the dramatics again… last year I stopped biting my nails and another year I got solar power. Geez, I should write a book on how proactive and motivated I am. No need to mention that the nail growth probably came from the calcium from all the cheese I ate in Paris, and biting my nails didn’t seem an attractive prospect after a gypsy spat on my hand and that a solar panel salesman got me at a weak moment. But that aside, I totally kicked those resolutions’ backsides.
In addition to Operation Sexy Bitch, I’ve also entitled 2015 the year of learning, which has seen me enrol in a pet grooming course, because spending over $1200 in order to save myself $55 every three to four months seemed like a good investment, rather than a false economy. Maybe I should have enrolled in ‘finance for morons’. Anyway, I figured, when I win the lotto, I will still want an enjoyable part-time job. Ideally one where the clients can’t talk back and think that everything you say is worthy of a tail-wag or a lick on the hand. And I’ve always dreamed of an acceptable reason to walk around with cheesy treats in my pockets, so doing this course seems like a sensible investment in my future career, don’t you think?
So despite the discomfort and the rather ridiculous reasons behind my New Year’s resolutions, I will be back again next year, doing the same thing. And it won’t have anything to do with the fact that I’ll still be a fatty boom batty, eating all my pet clients’ cheesy treats.
What are your New Year’s resolutions?
It's Claire as mud 