I am loving my new digital radio sick! There is a Pop Asia station, a Pop Arab station, the stock standard radio stations and my most favourites: the 80’s station and the 90’s station. Oooh yeah, give me some of that Spandau Ballet and INXS ‘The Swing’ while I’m cleaning the house. I’m sure my neighbours are thoroughly enjoying my shrieking of ‘You are GOLD – Ahhhhhh!’ over the top of the vacuum cleaner din. There’s something so enjoyable about discovering an old song that you didn’t know… it means there is (sometimes) a whole back catalogue of that artist or band you can delve into and you’re not just stuck with the one album, waiting impatiently for the next one to come out.
While I always knew I was a pretty big dag, my discovery of the delights of Chaka Khan and The Commodores left me wondering where I sit on the trend-setting scale… or ‘Seriously, How Big a Dag Am I?’ scale.
I’m trying to remember back to my uni days and our mass communications subject and recall the different groups that develop and adopt trends and which order they come in, but seeing as that was grumble-grumble years ago and I threw out all my uni notes in a ‘ha-ha I won’t ever have to feel bad for watching TV when I should be studying again’ fit, I can’t tell you exactly what they are. But I’m hoping I can remember the gist and it might find me an answer:
1) The Trend-setters… if we’re talking fashion and make-up; true trend-setters should look almost unsettling to the average person’s eye. They would have started wearing the latest round of crop tops probably six months after they were declared a fashion faux pas last time. For bringing them back, they should be shot. Lady Gaga is a true trend-setter – it’s probably been about five years since she stopped wearing pants, and look at your local bar or even shopping centre today – there are now plenty of people not wearing pants. Bad Gaga, but boy do you make a catchy tune.
Maybe she’s going out shopping for some pants?
2) The Aspirationals… this is probably where Hipsters fall on the trend setting spectrum and represent about 20% of the population. See hipsters – you ain’t that cool. They’re all yammering about how awesome Snap-Chat is, while the rest of us are still trying to figure out what the point of Pinterest is. They’ll be at the opening of new bars and telling you that cider is so 2011. Meanwhile, the Trend-setters are running some password only night club that can only be entered through an abandoned port-a-loo and drinking Oval-tinis (that is a martini made out of Ovaltine) out of spray guns, while wearing bustles and monocles. I make fun of the Aspirationals, but they bring the trends to the masses and make wearing no pants in public and dressing like a hobo a perfectly acceptable proposition.
3) The Herd… you might think you’re Aspirational because you’re into Argentinian BBQ, drinking cocktails out of mason jars (I swear if I hear about mason jars one more time, I will pickle the offenders lips in a mason jar), wear shoes with no socks, and call your daughter Ruby, but I’m afraid you’re not… you’re part of the masses. You’re amongst the herd. You’re 60% of the population. You ain’t cool. You’re average. Get over it. It’s really nothing to be embarrassed about. While you’re sitting at the local pub – in pants – waiting for your turn at karaoke or bar trivia, be grateful you’re not at a dodgy bar lining up 20 minutes for some spiced rum and warm cola (because they have no fridge, because using electronics is like so bad for the environment) with a pack of Aspirationals with questionable hygiene habits and stoopid hats that could poke you in the eye.
4) The Followers… please don’t mistake these folk for Kool-Aid drinking, friends of Tom Cruise just because of their name. These folk are bringing up the rear of the trend-setting pattern. These 10 percenters are doing us a big favour in telling us when enough is enough, ie: put your pants back on. This probably includes things like references to ‘Gangnam Style’ within the last 12 months or people who still think saying ‘yeah, baby’ and dressing up like Austin Powers for costume parties is relevant.
No, baby!! No!!!
5) The Tail-enders…I think they were properly referred to as Stragglers, but I don’t think that’s fair. My belief is, the true Tail-enders will never adapt to a trend. They live beyond trends and just do their own thing. This five percent are truly unique… so much so, they are probably making the trends and could possibly be confused as Trend-setters… just with pants.
Listing this hasn’t helped me work it out. I think I could qualify as a Tail-ender, but I know I care too much about what other people think of me to truly be that, it’s just that I’m too scared to venture out without pants. I’m probably bringing up the rear of the Herd. Moo. I always thought I was a total cow anyway.
Where do you fit on the ‘Seriously. How Big a Dag Am I?’ scale?
It's Claire as mud 
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