Oooh, public transport you are a treat. Annoying, unreliable, smelly and downright uncomfortable at times, but good gravy are you entertaining – kind of like a Lindsay Lohan on wheels/tracks.
I understand why people loathe the bus, train, jalopy ride home at the end of a long day in the trenches, but I love it. I don’t even need a book to pass the time, because it’s so damn amusing.
Smokes-a-lot-lady doesn’t look quite this glamorous and probably has a few less teeth…
Smokes-a-lot lady isn’t a regular, but she pops up every now and again and is quite the treat even if she is giving herself and everyone around her cancer. Smokes-a-lot lady is a resident of the halfway house on our bus route and I am assuming she has had a pretty hard life, so I think she figures: if I wanna smoke on the bus, I’m gonna smoke on the bus. And she does, much to the upset of the driver and all asthmatic passengers and much to the amusement of everyone else. Smokes-a-lot-lady grabs her seat up the front, lights up her dart, ignoring the protests of the driver and then proceeds to hold a one woman comedy show, dishing out classics like: ‘Can men get pregnant? Of course they can, Bill Shorten’s in Labor’… boom-tish. She’s here every Thursday, folks. You might say ‘why doesn’t the driver toss her off the bus?’, well she is frequently asked to put out her ciggies or to exit the vehicle, but her tiny 50kg frame manages to scare off the burly bus driver’s 120kg frame when he sees how few teeth she still owns and thinks: ‘you should see the other guy.’ Yes, I might exit the bus smelling like I’m exiting a night club circa 1999, but it’s worth it for the Nicotine Queen’s antics.
Loud-declarations-of-love man (LDOLM) is a relatively new addition to the bus gang. A clean-cut professional looking gent in his early twenties catches the bus each morning with Helen of Troy… well, you’d think she was the way he carries on. It would be quite sweet if it wasn’t so vomit inducing. LDOLM spends most of his bus trip burying his nose in Helen’s (not her real name) hair, whispering sweet nothings in her ear and lovingly stroking her cheek… I spend my bus trip trying not to lose my cornflakes. He gets off the bus before Helen and outside the bus, plants his hand on Helen’s window and screams ‘I love you, Kaylene!!’ Kaylene at least has the nous to look completely mortified each and every day this happens, yet he continues to do it. I never knew a woman called Kaylene could inspire such an outpouring of adoration. No offence to all the Kaylenes out there. I figure this is great stuff when I write my new millennium Thorn Birds.
Sadly, my favourite bus buddy seems to have moved (or got wind of the fact I was obsessively posting about her on FaceBook everyday). Some of you may already be familiar with Inappropriately Aged Hello Kitty Lady or IAHKL, but for those who aren’t, IAHKL is a gift from the overly eyeshadowed gods. I guessed that IAHKL held a job in a fairly professional office environment, as she carried a smart-looking handbag and satchel with her every morning… oh, but did I mention that her satchel and handbag were adorned with everyone’s favourite Japanese feline, Hello Kitty? Perhaps the level of professionalism drops a notch with every embossed Hello Kitty on your Louis Vuitton rip off bag (maybe it was the kitties that gave it away?) and every speck of glitter on your eyelids at 8am. IAHKL is a lady in her mid to late 30’s and she’s definitely a girly girl, so much so she’d make Dolly Parton look butch. I didn’t think it was possible to dress in a way that makes you the human embodiment of fairy floss, but IAHKL proved me wrong.
This is the very bag IAHKL used to carry to work everyday…teamed up with her stripper shoes!
Now don’t go thinking IAHKL was some sort of pushover, just because of her penchant for pink. IAHKL did not jump on the bus dancing on rainbows, humming ‘Girl from Ipanema’, handing out lollipops and having her Kitty handbags carried by some accommodating Disney bluebirds. IAHKL was a perfumed steamroller. Most days she would manage to yell at the poor bus driver who was just having trouble computing if it were possible for a human being to wear more jewellery or how she kept her eyelids open with such monstrous eyelash extensions. Granted, our buses were usually late, but whaddya gonna do? It’s Brisbane public transport – it’s always late and if it wasn’t late, I wouldn’t get my morning fix of entertainment if IAHKL didn’t come crashing on the bus in her clear Perspex stripper-platforms and sparkly sassy pants and yell at the driver.
So please take these tales as a sign of hope for your own daily commute. Put down your phone or your book and open your eyes to the wonderful characters around you on the transport system. Of course, you might be praying ‘please don’t let them sit next to me’ and you would be right to do so, but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy their company from a distance.
What are your favourite public transport tales?
It's Claire as mud 