Just put it away

Well, at least you know she’d be safe in the instance of a water landing…

Trying to enjoy my morning Weet-bix, while wrestling the dog away from my bowl, I was half watching the Today show when I almost went blind. No, Karl Stefanovic wasn’t showing off his hairy legs again – shudder – but an ad for the US Voice temporarily robbed my vision. You see, I had just copped an eye-full of Christina Aguilera cleavage at the funbag-unfriendly time of 7am. While black dots danced in front of my eyes in place of Christina’s bazoongas I asked, isn’t there a time where you should just put it away?Granted, I am not the best person to ask the important question of how much boob is too much boob – I say bring back the neck to knee swim wear of days of yore – but far out, when I asked for milk on my cereal I didn’t expect a B-grade starlet on telly to provide it to me direct.

What was so jarring about seeing some ta-tas on breakky television? A bit of boob canyon at 7pm isn’t offensive, so I wonder what the acceptable boosie changeover time is.

I am now baffled at how much cleavage is now an actual visual consideration these days. There is traditional cleavage, there is side boob and its associated cleavage, there is bum cheek cleavage (where your shorts are so damn hoochy that your bot hangs out), and the traditional plumbers’ cleavage. Seriously peeps, please buy clothes that fit you.

I believe we are on a slippery slope to Nudieville. It’s not unusual to catch a glimpse of bum cheek down at the supermarket most days and it’s freaking Winter. Perhaps if I was the type that would have Miranda Kerr refusing to be in the same room as me because I was just too much of a slammin’ hottie, I might strut around in outfits that could double as fishing line or dental floss. But even then the sheer maintenance involved – like having to shave your legs regularly, another reason I LOVE Winter – is enough to put me off this idea. Oh and the fact that I am about 50% made up of cake at the moment.

Yes, I have waxed lyrical about worrying about what young ladies wear into the Valley on a night out, but it’s not just the ladies that are letting it all hang out, it’s also the fellas. I’m sorry, I know blokes have nipples, but it doesn’t mean I need to see them while you trudge your way down the street in your slashed fluoro singlet, in your fluoro Ray-Ban Wayfarer replicas to whatever flouro, doof-doof festival is playing at the RNA showgrounds this week. Exposed man nipples only allowed in public at the pool or the beach, mmm-kay. Why do men have nipples anyway? What a completely pointless feature. It’s like an appendix or a Lara Bingle on their chest.

And why do men think it is ok to take their shirt off in public once the temperature gets over 24 degrees? It’s not that hot and I don’t need to see your man cans while you put petrol in your bogan-mobile. I’m sure they’d love it if women followed suit, but the saggy-boosie issue aside, no one wants to get arrested and we’re not at a Motley Crue concert.

I think I just wanted to write this because there are so many funny names for breasts. What are your favourite words for body parts?