I’m going commando… No, I’m not completely nuddy under my office frock. Jeebus. I would wear neck to knee swimwear if it were easy to find. But I do think I’m in love with the Commando from The Biggest Loser.
My husband had to sit through the Fattest Fatties finale last night, just so I could catch a glimpse of the Commando in a lovely suit and smiling his gorgeous mischievous grin. Mr C has come to accept there is another Mr C in our relationship.
Commando… call me, maybe!
I’m probably very late hopping on the Commando train, but I’m strongly considering parting with almost $1500 just so I can flip a tyre up and down a hill at Binna Burra and have the Commando yell at me for three days at his trademarked boot camp. If I happened to hurt myself, accidentally on purpose, so he had to carry me up the hill, then I suppose that would be ok.
I can even make peace with the fact the Commando has to spend six months of the year acting like a bastard coated bastard, with bastard filling, making grown men cry.
Am I the only one that can see he thinks his TV persona is completely ludicrous? I can see him stifling a smile when he stands there with his arms crossed and his biceps bulging, watching people who previously thought a trip to the fridge was sufficient exercise, yelling at them to crawl through knee-deep mud. And he’s not smiling because he enjoys their pain, but because he knows he’s playing a silly role and he normally would be shouting encouraging words, while thinking about how much he loves puppies and making people feel good about themselves and what a good book ‘The Alchemist’ was. Because the Commando is actually a Renaissance Man – we just never get to see that side of him.
I am technically too old to have a crush on a ‘celebrity’, but sometimes the universe has other plans. In fact, the universe is shouting at me ‘Take up cross-fit and hang around with smelly, grunting people running around holding bars over their heads, just so you might possibly run into the Commando at some point’.
It’s embarrassing to say this isn’t the first time in my adult years I’ve developed a crush on a famous person. I would run away with either one of those Flight of the Conchords fellas. Yes, they’re slightly funny looking and extremely nerdy, but I do like a bit of geek (like attracts like, after all) and anyone that can sing ‘Bowies in space’ with a straight face wins my vote. And that gorgeous ranga doctor from Grey’s Anatomy is about the only decent reason to watch that ridiculous, manipulative, overdramatic cack… that I can’t seem to give up and makes me cry every time I watch it, even though I feel violated and dirty afterwards.
Bret from FoC, doing Bowies in Space… yep, that’s a unitard and I don’t care.
It’s not even confined to straight men. I would elope with Tina Fey and Carson Kressley, if the opportunity if ever arose. Can you imagine the bitchy comments and one line zingers flying about the place? I think the three of us could have a really lovely life together. Any woman that can write one of the funniest television shows that ever existed and makes glasses look that good and a man that could pick out a fabulous wardrobe for you is definitely worthy of admiration and a small amount of fantasy stalking.
During all this ogling and objectification, I did start to think is a strong fantasy life a pathetic pursuit after the age of 18, or just a healthy imagination at work? Or a distraction from daily drudgery?
While a person with the- entire- population-of-Logan’s worth of barbed-wire tattoos on their body has stolen my heart, please don’t feel too sorry for Mr C. He gleefully called me up the day Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds announced their split to tell me the number ones on our respective celebrity hit lists* were single and ready to mingle… In his mind, with lowly Brisbanites who don’t wear figure hugging rubber suits to play super heroes for a living (thank God).
I’m quite certain I am not alone. Who is on your celebrity hit list?
*Celebrity hit lists may also be called your free pass. A notion explored in the early days of Friends, where despite being in a happy relationship, you may choose five celebrities that you can cheat on your partner with, should the opportunity ever arise. Ryan Reynolds, the Commando, Grey’s Anatomy ranga and Flight of the Conchords, you have been warned.
It's Claire as mud 
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