It's Claire as mud

Oprah has told us to be our best self and live an authentic life, but the two are not mutually exclusive.  In fact, one has its feet firmly planted in reality, while the other enjoys a fanciful existence, where mining magnates think building the Titanic 2.0 is a good idea (because the first one worked out so well) and Mel Gibson doesn’t consider himself an anti-Semite.

I don’t think we consider him to be Australian any more.

My best self inhabits a world shared with resumes, online dating profiles and job interview banter, while my authentic self can be more likely found on the couch reading Who Weekly, eating Nutella with a spoon, arguing with advertisements on the telly and lying in my food diary. My authentic self is a disgusting, lazy slob with introverted and bitchy tendencies (aren’t I a delight), while my best self is Miss Sally Sunshine, who generally sees the glass half-full.  Don’t worry, I hate that cow too. The dual-identity duel came to mind while sitting listening to the fifth candidate in one day give their best self spiel during a rather painful recruitment process to hire my replacement while I fill in for my boss on maternity leave.  Although the disturbing thing was their best self spiel probably didn’t hide enough of their authentic self

to stop me thinking ‘please don’t kill me’.In a job interview, telling people you’re a born leader, when it’s not a leadership role, and that you need a camera that costs no less than $2000 to do your job properly – when the job isn’t a professional photographer – means you probably need to work a little harder on blanketing your authentic self with a convincing version of your best self.

But it got me thinking about the giant porkies, oops I mean the best self description, I use when I go to job interviews.

I know in one interview when asked to describe myself I actually said I was a happy and easy-going person.  Which, if anyone who knows me is reading this, will have them rolling around on the floor and laughing.  Also, in another interview when asked to describe a time I had to resolve a conflict I conveniently left out the tale of me crying after a journalist called me unprofessional and several other unprintable names when SHE failed to read embargo details properly.  I also left out the part where we’ve seen each other since and have both pretended nothing happened at all.  Ahhh, confrontation.  It’s highly overrated.

Sometimes these things just fly out of your mouth without thinking.  I think we’re so trained to know what we should say that we are automatically programmed to utter rubbish like ‘My work style is approachable, but professional’ and ‘My biggest weakness is having difficulty letting tasks go’ and ‘Please back up my hard drive, it’s getting too full of crap, auto-pilot answers’.

Unsuspecting employers are not the only victims of the authentic self vs real self battle.  Singles looking for potential partners also beware.

I lost a considerable volume of festive lemonade through my nostrils when a friend showed me her RSVP profile.  ‘I love sport and the great outdoors’, she spruiked, next to a photo of her looking ‘sporty’ on a beach.  While a picture is worth a thousand words, the picture failed to mention this was probably her only trip outside that didn’t involve public transport or standing in line for an outlet sale in the last five years.  The sport she participated in usually involved carrying flagons of wine up the stairs from her garage.

It didn’t really matter in the end, because she met a lovely fella who said he liked art, but his version of high art probably involved dogs playing poker or a velvet horse.

When it comes to the crunch, does anyone really want to be their best self?  Because no one likes a Princess Perfect.  You might have all your ducks in a row with a fabulous job, wonderful partner, beautiful home, wicked sense of humour, committed altruism, kind heart and terrifying intelligence, but you will be putting an ad out asking for some new friends, because your old friends have dumped you for being so annoyingly perfect.  And after all, bitching and complaining really is such a satisfying past time.

Are we better off doing away with the farce and turning up to job interviews and first dates and fessing up to not quite completed degrees and living on a diet of cup-a-soup and Kardashians?  Or does it make awkward social situations more comfortable and add to the intrigue of a potential partner?

Do you think your best self is a cruel unreachable target, or a useful goal to strive towards?

I’m going commando… No, I’m not completely nuddy under my office frock.  Jeebus.  I would wear neck to knee swimwear if it were easy to find.  But I do think I’m in love with the Commando from The Biggest Loser.

My husband had to sit through the Fattest Fatties finale last night, just so I could catch a glimpse of the Commando in a lovely suit and smiling his gorgeous mischievous grin.  Mr C has come to accept there is another Mr C in our relationship.

Commando… call me, maybe!

I’m probably very late hopping on the Commando train, but I’m strongly considering parting with almost $1500 just so I can flip a tyre up and down a hill at Binna Burra and have the Commando yell at me for three days at his trademarked boot camp.  If I happened to hurt myself, accidentally on purpose, so he had to carry me up the hill, then I suppose that would be ok.

I can even make peace with the fact the Commando has to spend six months of the year acting like a bastard coated bastard, with bastard filling, making grown men cry.

Am I the only one that can see he thinks his TV persona is completely ludicrous?  I can see him stifling a smile when he stands there with his arms crossed and his biceps bulging, watching people who previously thought a trip to the fridge was sufficient exercise, yelling at them to crawl through knee-deep mud.  And he’s not smiling because he enjoys their pain, but because he knows he’s playing a silly role and he normally would be shouting encouraging words, while thinking about how much he loves puppies and making people feel good about themselves and what a good book ‘The Alchemist’ was.  Because the Commando is actually a Renaissance Man – we just never get to see that side of him.

I am technically too old to have a crush on a ‘celebrity’, but sometimes the universe has other plans.  In fact, the universe is shouting at me ‘Take up cross-fit and hang around with smelly, grunting people running around holding bars over their heads, just so you might possibly run into the Commando at some point’.

It’s embarrassing to say this isn’t the first time in my adult years I’ve developed a crush on a famous person.  I would run away with either one of those Flight of the Conchords fellas.  Yes, they’re slightly funny looking and extremely nerdy, but I do like a bit of geek (like attracts like, after all) and anyone that can sing ‘Bowies in space’ with a straight face wins my vote.  And that gorgeous ranga doctor from Grey’s Anatomy is about the only decent reason to watch that ridiculous, manipulative, overdramatic cack… that I can’t seem to give up and makes me cry every time I watch it, even though I feel violated and dirty afterwards.

Bret from FoC, doing Bowies in Space… yep, that’s a unitard and I don’t care.

It’s not even confined to straight men.  I would elope with Tina Fey and Carson Kressley, if the opportunity if ever arose.  Can you imagine the bitchy comments and one line zingers flying about the place?  I think the three of us could have a really lovely life together.  Any woman that can write one of the funniest television shows that ever existed and makes glasses look that good and a man that could pick out a fabulous wardrobe for you is definitely worthy of admiration and a small amount of fantasy stalking.

During all this ogling and objectification, I did start to think is a strong fantasy life a pathetic pursuit after the age of 18, or just a healthy imagination at work?  Or a distraction from daily drudgery?

While a person with the- entire- population-of-Logan’s worth of barbed-wire tattoos on their body has stolen my heart, please don’t feel too sorry for Mr C.  He gleefully called me up the day Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds announced their split to tell me the number ones on our respective celebrity hit lists* were single and ready to mingle…  In his mind, with lowly Brisbanites who don’t wear figure hugging rubber suits to play super heroes for a living (thank God).

I’m quite certain I am not alone.  Who is on your celebrity hit list?

*Celebrity hit lists may also be called your free pass.  A notion explored in the early days of Friends, where despite being in a happy relationship, you may choose five celebrities that you can cheat on your partner with, should the opportunity ever arise.  Ryan Reynolds, the Commando, Grey’s Anatomy ranga and Flight of the Conchords, you have been warned.