What annoys the poop out of you?

It’s only Poosday, and I’m already wishing it was the end of the week.

A two-hour meeting that went around in circles and achieved nothing had me wishing for bomb threat on the building we were in, but to pass the time (and look like I was taking notes) I instead compiled a list of the things that annoys the sweet bejesus outta me.

It’s incredibly cathartic and I would highly recommend it next time you’re stuck in a completely useless conference or trapped on a train that has had a 40 minute delay due to a track fault at Bowen Hills while you practice holding your breath thanks to your seat mate who thinks deodorant is optional in Queensland in February.

Other than pointless meetings, it goes a little something like this:

When people confuse your and you’re.  Your constant use of your and you’re incorrectly just proves that you are an idiot.

Their, there and they’re. Very much in the same vein as your and you’re.  Grrr.

‘So Jane and myself went into town’ – it’s Jane and I, you moron.  Are you saying myself because you think it makes you sound more intelligent?  Saying a two-syllable word doesn’t make you any smarter.  In fact, it makes you infinitely more stupid in this case.

Wow, someone’s a grammar Nazi.  ‘There’s no need to be rude to Jane and I’ – in this case it’s Jane and me, you twat.  If Jane wasn’t there would you say ‘there is no need to be rude to I’?  Unless someone has an Oedipus complex.  And why is this Jane broad hanging out with you when you can’t even speak properly?

People posting ‘sexy’ pics of themselves on Facebook.  Ughhh, you’re female, you’ve got boobs, we get it.

Guys posting photos without their shirts on.  I don’t care if you doubled as a shirtless waiter while studying law at UQ, you will always be seen as a shirtless waiter now, thanks to that hideous Chippendales profile pic.

Sorry Mums out there, but I really don’t need to witness the minutiae of every single milestone of your child.  I am so happy you’re enjoying being a Mum, but I have had to temporarily hide your Facebook profile because I don’t want to know that ‘Braxton did his first poo in a big-boy toilet today’ and ‘Trying not to laugh as Tarquin sings along to Glee’.  Hint – Tarquin is SUPER gay.  ‘I am so blessed to be a Mummy to my three beautiful children’.  Glad you think you’re blessed, the rest of us think you’re the disseminator of devil spawn and cast members from Children of the Corn IV.

Totes, OMG, LOL, IMHO, WTF.  Seriously, WTF?  OMG, it’s totes not that hard to type a few more letters.

‘I literally died’.  Well reincarnation must be true then because I thought you figuratively died.

Jamie Oliver’s man-of-the-people talk.  ‘Play me a tune, brutha.’  Go home and help your poor wife look after all your ridiculously named children, you stupid man.

Jamie Oliver is the one on the right.

People who get on the bus with no intention of catching it, but to ask the driver for directions or for advice on what other bus to catch.  Some of us need to get home quickly so we can go to the toilet!

Hey!  It turns out that meeting wasn’t a waste of time after all – I feel so much better!

What annoys the poop out of you?